Like no other, the single mother

Almost every time, a pang hit me, when I was introduced as the single mom. I felt it even in those close to me. They retracted with unease as I pronounced myself as one.

The person I would be introduced to would look at me with guilt and a tint of judgment.

She looks a bit young to be a single mom.

I wonder if my ex felt the same way when he told people that he’s a single father.

Probably not.

People saw him as a hero for fighting for equal custody of his child. Isn’t that what dads are supposed to do?

Mine didn’t.

Nobody judged him for that either.

It’s interesting to me, how much men get away with. I’m no radical feminist, but the fact remains, that women are judged for situations they can’t help. Often situations men put them in.

The stigma around women who have had children “early” and been separated, often carries an ounce of shame or pity, which can be the most dis-empowering feeling in the world.

My child makes me feel like I have a crown on my head. I walk with the most honor and a huge sense of accomplishment. I never needed nor wanted sympathy.

Dating a single mom is complicated.

This is how we often see ourselves... as complicated. It’s a burden to us to be seen as complicated, but it is not a burden to us to be a mother.

When you're seen as a "complicated situation" your self-worth drops. You feel as if the baggage will keep you down forever. It's as if you have to fight to prove that you are worth it, that you are strong and beautiful enough to be loved again. A kind of weight that happily married mothers don’t have to carry.

There are, of course, people who hold no judgment, no shame nor pitiful sympathy towards single mothers. Who see you simply as a woman, with a child. A woman, no more complicated than the next. Who decide that your past doesn't matter to them. Who understands that your time is precious. Who see you as an incredible force able to do anything.

In a miserable family dynamic or a relationship with compromised trust:

To stay or leave is a difficult decision , either way.

You can choose to stay and live an unhappy life, for the sake of your children and reputation. Or you can leave and start your life all over again, with nothing to your name, for the sake of your children and self-dignity.

I chose the latter.

and because of that tough decision, it lead me to happiness. It lead me to a relationship that I dreamed of having. A patient, consistent and trusting relationship that I deserved.

Of course, he was nervous in the beginning to step into it , why shouldn't he have been? He didn't know toddlers. He didn't understand the dynamic of my Ex and I. But eventually, it started unfolding and he chose us.

Its difficult for most people to understand a co-parenting dynamic. You did not just leave the relationship with your ex because you wanted to be a single parent or because you were bored or turned off. Its not like that when its the father of your child.

Painful experiences lead to that outcome. That forced you to look at one another and go;

We can't do this anymore.

But now, you have to face that everyday.

Now you have to share time with your child.

And the tension is always strife, because of the resentment towards that.

I should be with my daughter.

I think this every day that I’m not with her.

But she is also her father’s child.

She deserves to feel safe with him too.

He deserves to feel that potent love for his baby, just as I do.

No matter how bitter we may feel toward one another, I will always respect him for fighting for her, loving her, and being the big presence ;

that I dreamed of having as a child.

If that is not the kind of love, that you're receiving in your relationship, and nothing you try or give resolves that. You have every right to walk away.

Being in a relationship as a single parent, is complicated. There are going to be times where you have to compromise and let go of certain expectations. But with the right person, values will align and it will feel so right. To not just fall in love with a person, but fall in love with what you have with another. It might take a few errors in judgement, and no one should judge you for that. Humans aren't perfect, as much as we try to pretend to be,

Adjustments can be hard, but its always worth it if it leads you to your true calling. Even if that is just peace.

I didn't write this one for myself. I didn't write this to encourage separation. I wrote this for the women of children, already (or newly separated), to reassure them, that they will be fine, they will be loved, they will find happiness, and they deserve it... Even if in the present moment, they don't believe it yet.